I love storms.

I love to stare at them.
Because they recall strong and deep sensations of danger.

I like to observe seagulls while they fly against a strong wind, and challenge it with their peerage.
Yesterday I saw a lot of them that was doing so, and the wing was amazingly strong.
But I hadn’t the time to take pictures.

I hate this things, I would like to have more free time but in this period I can’t stop.
Never.

However I was walking slow, challenging the wind myself, and letting it put away my bad thoughts, and my past.
What I like of this period of my life is that for the first time I’m starting to live the present, and sometimes the future.

That’s important.
For my whole life I was stuck in my past.
Depressed people lives in their past.

Neurotic and Anxious people lives the present.

Maybe one day I will become a happy person?
I’m starting to look into the future.
And I like to do so.
I also like what I see.

When I think about my future, now, I look at the sky and I dip into the light.
I leave the sun impress my eyes, like a film while taking a picture with a photo-camera.
The sensation is good, and gets my eyes dazzled for some seconds.

While I close my eyes, I walk straight, blind.
And I start to elaborate the information that the sun gave me.
While doing so, I try to decipher the symbols my dazed eyes’ background.
And in this moment, I see my future.

Some weeks ago, I was thinking about how much I am changing.
Thinking about myself some years ago it seemed a Revolution to me.

The point is… that I’m always myself.
I’m not changed.

Thinking about myself, some years ago…
I’m just more determined.
I know what I want.
And I’m ready to do anything to obtain it.

Now I know where, for me,
is the right place to be,
in the right moment.
And I feel ready to shoot.

Isn’t that what I already wrote about photography?
Doesn’t life itself work like that?

In the end…
… I love the quiet sunsets after a storm.

It’s a lot of time that I don’t blog…
The reason, mostly, is that I don’t have time to do so.

However I have to admit that…
… when in a particular moment of your life, you don’t find time for yourself …
… this is probably a thing you should look into.

And that’s what I’m doing today, reading my paper-written notes, my “to do” lists, and trying to give them a “when” and a “why”.
It’s interesting to see the evolution that besides inside this feelings and writings about my thought of that moment.

Because I don’t have the time to publish this stuff with the correct date, I will just write it down here and translate it when needed.
I’ll use a separator to make understand that time is passed from a note to the next.

In the future, I will be more careful about my feelings.
Stopping to care about them is a bad sign.

---

In this years I became a bastard.

When this happened?
When I stopped to care about the rest of the world?
I have always been a kind and generous person…

The perception of me in the eyes of the other people is horrible,
and it makes increase my sadness.

---

I ask myself… “what should I do?”
I just stare here… to watch myself in the mirror, like if I’m waiting for something.
What I’m waiting for?
What should I do?
Who should ripple me?

Is it real that something from the sky will come and pull me out from this mess?
Or I’m just deceiving myself for the umpteenth time?

---

You know…
In this days I watch myself in the mirror, incapable to understand what I want to do.
Something changed in the last months …

I’m unable to recognize myself in what I see.
The person that I known or that I believed to known.
I would like to have the time to stop a bit, and to think about what I’m doing.
But this master in photography is killing me, and work fills up everything else.

But at the end I understand… that this is just my way of living.
It’s my entire life that I fill up every free moment, so I can’t stop.
Am I doing this so I can’t think?
If that’s true, I’m not different from the people I hate.

I would have a lot to give to this world.
But I’m unable to take it out.

Once upon a time I was unable to do that, but at least people believed in me because I was transmitting to them beautiful sensations with the energy I had inside.
Now that my heart begun a infertile piece of ice, people that surrounds me can’t see what there is inside it.
I feel incredibly alone and misunderstood, in an way that, besides for the past, I can’t tolerate.

I feel like I arrived nearly to the end… but I don’t know of what.
I feel that I nearly finished the cards to play with, and I also know that someday someone will knock and ask If I won or loose.

---

When I’m alone, withdrawn in my thoughts …
… I strive big and high things, huge projects, I feel like I can brake the world in two pieces and do whatever of my life.

When I go outside, the world around me corrupts my soul and my mind.
The only thing I can think about is to touch the ass of the girls around me, or to do nasty things with them.

I still have to work on my will.

---

Now that I start to understand what I want,
all takes shape and get sharper.

The importance of the things around me changes,
and also the one of the people.

---

…
By the moment that when I obtain what I need
I stop to be interested in it, and to crave it
which sense haves to shake my tail like a fish
that’s suffocating outside his bowl?

---

I wish I could dedicate to myself.
Maybe, it’s the only well-advised thing I could do and that could make me live better.

That’s one of my favourite The Cure’s song.
Romantic, deep.
Love it.

---

A letter to Elise

oh elise it doesn’t matter what you say
i just can’t stay here every yesterday
like keep on acting out the same
the way we act out
every way to smile
forget
and make-believe we never needed
any more than this
any more than this

oh elise it doesn’t matter what you do
i know i’ll never really get inside of you
to make your eyes catch fire
the way they should
the way the blue could pull me in
if they only would
if they only would
at least i’d lose this sense of sensing something else
that hides away
from me and you
there’re worlds to part
with aching looks and breaking hearts
and all the prayers your hands can make
oh i just take as much as you can throw
and then throw it all away
oh i throw it all away
like throwing faces at the sky
like throwing arms round
yesterday
i stood and stared
wide-eyed in front of you
and the face i saw looked back
the way i wanted to
but i just can’t hold my tears away
the way you do

elise believe i never wanted this
i thought this time i’d keep all of my promises
i thought you were the girl always dreamed about
but i let the dream go
and the promises broke
and the make-believe ran out…

oh elise
it doesn’t matter what you say
i just can’t stay here every yesterday
like keep on acting out the same
the way we act out
every way to smile
forget
and make-believe we never needed
any more than this
any more than this

and every time i try to pick it up
like falling sand
as fast as i pick it up
it runs away through my clutching hands
but there’s nothing else i can really do
there’s nothing else
i can really do
at all…

I want to start talking about the films that I liked much in my life.

Vanilla Sky is not my favourite, but inside it I found some concepts, and some meanings, that made me grieve over and move deeply.

In a moment of my life like this, I understand how much things that I look, listen at, and feel, involves me.
And how much they influence my way of thinking and the way I act.
And also the way I dream.

That’s and acknowledgement of weakness for me, because I always tried to made me of myself and nothing else.
I always tried to close into meditation, deep comprehension of my mind, to avoid things to influence me and take me out of my road.

Now I’m changing.
The master in photography that I’m making…
… forced me to open my mind and put down my guard.

That’s quotes from Vanilla Sky:

That’s true also for me…

I try to say to myself what to dream, constantly.

But it never works.

The funny thing is that I wrote my last post some days ago spontaneously, but three weeks after I saw again this film, writing down these quotes for a future use.

Now my question should be…
That proofs the influence that what I look, like films, influences me?
Or it just proofs that this film made me move deeply because who did it was very similar to my way of acting?

Damn it…
This way to put a point:
“Now my question should be…”
makes me think about Matrix.

…

A volte sogno così forte
che non riesco più
a distinguere i sogni
dalla realtà.

…

Altre volte mi ritrovo
a sognare ad occhi aperti,
alterando la realtà fino a
farla diventare impossibile.

…

Mi domando qual’è il senso,
di questa interminabile
serie di noiose novità
e scontate rivelazioni.

…

Mi domando chi sono.

…

Rumore di mattina,
un brivido mi percorre la schiena,
apro gli occhi, vedo un letto
e’ il mio, ma e’ vuoto.

Si muove, mi sfugge.
La stanza non sta ferma,
l’abbraccio, la stringo,
trascina anche me verso l’oblio.

Chiudo gli occhi,
tutto si ferma: sono solo.
Ciò che ho intorno non può essere reale…
… torno a dormire, torno da lei.

E’ buio,
Il tempo scorre.

Sono in silenzio,
inerme, da chissà quante ore,
come un verme
nascosto sotto le lenzuola.
attendo che piova per godere
degli umori della terra
senza fare fatica.

E’ buio.
Il tempo scorre.
Ed io con esso.

Here I will just write few personal notes about Smashing Pumpkins.

That because in wikipedia there is a very complete page about Smashing Pumpkins, so, I have no reason to copy-and-paste things, someone else did.

Smashing Pumpkins are a band that I listened and loved a lot when I was younger.
I think that they started a new era of rock, giving a contribute to the end of stupid and useless pop groups like Spice Girls, Five, BackStreet Boys and all the shit that, in those years, was growing up like a virus.

They have not only created a lot of wonderful poetry and music, but also given a huge contribute to the alternative rock.

A lot of their songs are very wrought out, deep and powerful.

Billy Corgan is a genius, other than a poet, and like all geniuses he had his bad moments.
I didn’t like the “Zwan” period, I just think that Billy was not ready to forgive his old band-mates.

Now that they are together again, I hope to go to their concert soon.

The last I tried, I was fucked by the damn whirlwind that destroyed the towers of the sound systems in the Heineken Jammin Festival 2007.
Italy sucks.

Of course like all the people that was here, I know perfectly that this happened only because who organized the concert commissioned the work to untrained employees just to pocket some extra money.
Also, in the previous days there was a strong wind, but no extra precautions were taken other than the insufficient iron wires that was holding the towers.
Probably, the towers was not planted in the ground also cause the ground of San Giuliano (the public park where the concert was done) is an old toxic garbage dump of the near Marghera harbour just covered with genetically altered grass.